Haven't I read this somewhere before?
by just a reader
Summary: Silly fic based on certain cliches within the Harry Potter FanFiction world. Oh my, new chapter! And it only took me 3 years! !flashing commercial neon lights! NOW WITH EASIER TO READ CHARACTER AUTHOR INTERACTION! !flashing commercial neon lights!
1. Chapter One

Hi hi! Just a note before you start reading, peeps. This fic is NOT to be taken seriously. Let me repeat myself. DO NOT TAKE THIS FIC SERIOUSLY. Otherwise you might damage brain cells. Okay? Okay. Ever read a Draco/Hermione fic (or many) and thought WTF?? I know I'm so tired of the cliches that appear in so many of them – even extremely well written ones, and it's gotten to the point where when I see an overused plot device appear, I end up laughing hysterically and switching to the next fic in hopes for something better.

This fic contains gratuitous Author self insertion, various mangling of plots and plot devices, and general mayhem. I don't really care if you flame me, cause I'll just laugh at you. If you flame, it means you're taking this fic way more seriously than it's meant to be – read the first paragraph of the Author's Notes again please.

By the way, I really do love Hermione and Draco together, even though we all know it'll never happen in the books – they just seem to have an unused chemistry going on, don't they? Now that my rambling's done, on with the story! (Which is just more rambling.)

Oh shoot. One more thing. This is my first Harry Potter FanFiction – I have written other FanFiction under a different penname (I write Ranma ½ FanFiction – if you want to read my other works, say so in your comments, and I'll email you my other penname.). Okay, really on with the story now, I promise!

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I will never own them. It would be considered against the law for me to have a thing going with Draco, so let's not even go there.

Okay, you're gonna hate me if I keep doing this – meant to add that anything between the xxxxx's are comments between the author and the characters. You may slap me if I add anything more to these Author Notes now.

Haven't I read this before somewhere?

Hermione Granger soared gracefully through the post to emerge triumphantly onto Platform 9 and ¾. Her hair bounced delicately against her shoulders, and she casually tossed her head back and laughed lightly. How glad she was that her American cousin had taken her under her wing…

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Hermione: Wait what? American cousin? Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, I have no relatives in America. I've never been to America, I have no plans to go to America. Just because it happens to be one of the most influential countries on the planet, does not mean that everyone and their dog has a relative there.

Author: Sorry Hermione… I just thought that Americans, being top of the scene for fashion trends and all… that it would be a good way… Oh fine I'll take it out.

Hermione: Thank you.

Author: Anytime.

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Staring at her reflection in a nearby window, Hermione smiled. She certainly had changed over the last summer. Gone was the semi-flat chest, to be replaced with what could only be described as a well endowed bosom. Her teeth shone brightly, threatening to bedazzle all the boys glancing her way. A summer spent well in the sun had lightened her mousy brown hair to a golden wheat, and with the color change, her hair had amazingly sprung into beautiful ringlets. Her waist was tiny, her legs long and sleek. The 4 inches she had grown in a few short months made her look like a statuesque model.. In fact, it had only been last week that the Ford Modeling company had approached her…

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Hermione: EWWW!! You freaking Mary Sue'd me? The hell is your problem? Look at me! I look like a Barbie doll! There is no way beyond a whole lot of reconstructive plastic surgery that I could have changed this much. A hair cut, yes. Better make up application, possibly. A bit of growth, fine. In other words, change me back. Now.

Author: But… you look so IT!

Hermione: Yeah, if IT stood for Insanely Transformed. Look, do you want me in this story or not? Cause I can just go.

Author: No, wait! I'll change you back! But can't I at least change your clothes? You know, low cut here, high cut there…

Hermione: No.

Author: Please?

Hermione: No.

Author: You're no fun, Hermione.

Hermione: Wow, you finally read the books, huh?

Author: … You're ruining my muse.

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On second thought, Hermione had changed over the summer as much as could be expected. She was a normal teenage girl after all, and did have the typical growth development of her age. She looked not much different as she had when she had left Hogwarts a few months previously. A cute average girl. Although not so average in the brain department. Hermione fingered the well read letter in her coat pocket. It had been expected, but she still had been thrilled when she opened it up to read that congratulations, she had been selected as this years Head Girl…

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Author: Oh, hey, Mione? I can still make you Head Girl, right?

Hermione: Well, of course I'm Head Girl. It would be completely stupid and inane if I wasn't. And don't call me Mione.

Author: I was just checking…

Hermione: You checked. Now get on with it – you're doing better.

Author: Yay me!

Hermione: Okay… Oh wait! Who's Head Boy? You'd better not make it…

Author: Writing now… be quiet.

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Hermione couldn't wait to see Harry and Ron, her best friends. She just knew that Ron would be made Head Boy, after all, he had been made Prefect over Harry. She could just imagine the look on his mum's face when she had heard the news…

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Hermione: GAH!! Ron?? No, no, a thousand times no! I love the guy, but there's not a chance. Stop it.

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She just knew that Harry would be made Head Boy, after all, he had done so much for the school. Sure, he might not have been the smartest guy in school, but intelligence wasn't everything…

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Author: Hermione? Did you just snort?

Hermione: Intelligence isn't everything? Bahahahahahahahahaha!

Author: Oh. Yeah. Temporary lapse of judgement.

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Even though she would have loved for either of her friends to be Head Boy, she just knew that the logical choice was Draco Malfoy, after all, he was the highest ranked student other than herself. She just hoped that they could come to some kind, any kind of agreement where they didn't end up killing each other by the end of the year.

Lugging her trunk with her, Hermione boarded the Hogwart's Express and starting going down the aisle, checking for her friends in each passing compartment. A flash of red hair poked out from a doorway further down and she grinned broadly, walking faster. She hadn't been able to get to the Burrow over the hols, and couldn't wait to hear what they had been up to.

Ginny squealed as Hermione entered the compartment. The boys felt their jaws drop down to the floor as they took in her looks.

"OH MY GAWD, Hermione!!! You look, like so totally hot! I want your stylist! Please, pretty please will you do a makeover like that on me??"

Hermione giggled flirtingly, throwing coy glances at Harry and Ron…

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Hermione: Earth to Just A Reader! Didn't we already cover that there was none of this crap?

Author: But it works so well… and everyone's doing it in all the HP fics…

Hermione: And if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you too?

Author: No! I'm not stupid.

Hermione: Neither am I. Please don't make my character act like it.

Author: Fine.

Hermione: Fine.

Author: So we're good then?

Hermione: We're cool.

Author: We are, aren't we?

Hermione: Shut up and type, twit.

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"Hi guys! I'm so glad to see you!" Hermione called cheerfully as she entered the compartment. Ginny squealed as she caught sight of the Head Girl badge pinned carefully on Hermione's normally proportioned chest. Smiling proudly, she couldn't help rub her sleeve over it to polish it up.

"I can't stay too long guys – I have to get to a meeting at the front compartment to give the new Prefects some instructions. But it shouldn't take too long, as long as Malfoy doesn't act like a total prat, and then you can tell me all about your vacation!" Hermione dropped her trunk with a loud thunk and plopped down on the seat next to Ron.

"It really bites that you have to work with him all year, Hermy" Ron said with a growl. He kept darting looks at her, his cheeks tinged a bit redder than usual. "If he even tries anything remotely creepy, you'll come tell us, won't you? We'll take care of you."

"Oh thank you, Ron! You're so sweet!" Hermione leaned over and planted a kiss on Ron's cheek. "I don't know what I'll do if he acts mean to me"…

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Hermione: I don't know what I'll do if you keep making me out to be a helpless female who couldn't fight her way out of a paper bag.

Author: Point taken.

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"Guys, don't worry – I can handle it – he's a jerk, but there's no way any of the teachers will let him get away with too much." Hermione shrugged off their concern. Glancing at her watch, she stood up. Waving to her friends, she headed to her meeting.

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Author: Yay! I'm done the first chapter! I so rock!

Hermione: If you mean you have the mentality of a rock, then yes. Yes you do.

Author: Hey, do you want to be in this story or not? Cause I can just leave…

Hermione: By all means, go ahead.

Author: I didn't mean it…

Hermione: I know. I am quite aware that I will have to endure this odd form of torture until you've eased whatever demon has spawned in your brain.

Author: How right you are! You're so smart Hermione!

Hermione: I know.

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KK! First chapter done! This won't have too many, cause after all, there's only so far I can take this. I don't care if Hermione is OOC in the interaction between myself and her, cause, well, I just don't care. Next chapter will be up pretty soon – I'm just writing this at work in between my clients. I'm such a slacker. Any and all comments/criticisms are welcome. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter Two

Thanks for all your lovely reviews, everyone! I'm glad to see that people are reading this in the spirit with which it was intentioned. I'll respond to a few questions from the reviewers here:

Munkiebutt: Thanks for pointing out about the anonymous reviews – I had actually checked it off a bit earlier, but it took forever to take effect. Looks like it's working now. I hate having to sign in to submit reviews too, cause I'm super lazy.

Tintalu: That's because I was secretly invading your mind and reading your thoughts… I mean, I'm glad you could relate! *cough* And yes, other characters will be speaking with me, at least one in this chapter.

Wesfinn: Yes, Draco and I will be having a bit of a chat soon.

Okay, that's enough Author's Notes, on with it!

Disclaimer: The only reason I'm not J.K. Rowling is because I was born in a different country, at a different date and to different parents. Really all small technicalities, don't you think? Kinda sad that these tiny miniscule anomalies mean I don't own a thing of hers.

****

Haven't I read this somewhere before? 

Hermione made her way towards the front of the train, swaying slightly with the movement of the engine along the tracks. She went over the little welcoming speech she had prepared for the new prefects, and was confident that she had remembered it all. She was really looking forward to this year – her final one at Hogwarts. The memories from it would have to last a lifetime she knew, and she was determined to make them all good ones.

Suddenly, a hand snaked out from the compartment she was passing and pulled her inside. With a startled gasp, she found herself pressed up against a wall, staring into the compelling silver eyes of none other than the Head Boy, Draco Malfoy.

"Listen here, Mudblood. You and I are gonna come to an agreement about this year. And the agreement is, everything goes my way, got it?" Draco snarled in a low, dangerous voice.

"Sod off, Malfoy!" Hermione had meant to continue, but suddenly Draco's lips were pressed against hers, his tongue seeking desperate entrance to her warm mouth. Hermione moaned wantonly, her hands reaching up to play with the back of his neck. Draco murmured sweet love words as he slowly turned her around and gently laid her back along the compartment's seat. His fingers played with the button on her shirt teasingly before sliding it open, his mouth still kissing her passionately, only coming up for air when needed.

"Oh Merlin, I love you Hermione, I always have… I just couldn't tell you before… Please forgive me darling."

"Draco…" Hermione breathed. "I knew you did – I just knew that you needed to be careful about your image and your father, but that's okay, we're together now, and that's all that counts. Please, Draco darling… make love to me! I can't stand to be apart from you any longer, I need you, I want to feel you next to me…"

***

"You know Hermione, it's really really really hard to type with you poking me like that."

"Stop it. Oh please make the bad writing stop. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever read. Draco and I? In love? Pul-lease. Just… I'm speechless. Just stop it."

"But I was on a roll! Come on… don't tell me you didn't find that in the least bit HOT??"

"I would rather take care of all of Hagrid's pets for the rest of my life then ever find that, as you put it, Hot."

"EEE! I want a dragon and all his other pets too! We totally have so much in common, Mione, I just know we're gonna be best friends forever! Okay, okay, since we're so close, I'll get rid of that last part, just for you, mkay?"

"Best friends… lucky, lucky me."

***

"Sod off, Malfoy!" Hermione glared at the platinum haired boy. Her eyes raked over his body, noticing for the first time how much he had filled out since their first year. Sure, she detested him with every fiber in her body, but Merlin, the boy sure was eye candy!

*Man, wouldn't I just love to get into his pants* Hermione moaned at the sexy images flitting through her brain. Just because you hated someone, didn't mean that should stop you from doing the nasty with them. She made sure to arch away from the wall he had her pinned against to squirm against his hard chest, arching her hips into his.

"I hate you, Malfoy" she whispered.

"The feeling's mutual, Granger" was the reply.

"Good. Let's fu…"

***

"OWWW! Damnit, that hurt! You didn't have to hit me so hard. Hey! Mione, that's the delete button, no, don't!"

"Do it, or I will press this pretty little power button on your computer. Oh gee, you haven't saved? Too bad."

"You're never satisfied, are you? I try to make your character interesting, to have some depth, and this is the thanks I get."

"You're trying to make me a slut."

"I prefer the term "Friendly Female", don't you?"

"Grrr…"

"Heh… nice Hermione… calm down, I'm taking it out."

***

"Sod off, Malfoy!" Hermione pushed him away and stormed out of the compartment, shooting a deadly glare over her shoulder at him. Draco smirked and followed after.

"Look Malfoy, we have to work together all year. As Head Girl and Boy, we have to present a united image to the school. I know that we can't stand each other, but we need to reach some neutral ground here." Hermione shook her head, trying to make him see her point.

"Whatever Mudblood. There's no way I'm working with you. You do your thing, I'll do mine and take the credit for both of us, alright?" Malfoy sneered as he brushed past her into the Prefect compartment.

Hermione, severely flustered, stumbled through the beginnings of her prepared speech, but then gradually relaxed and took control of the meeting. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Draco watching her, sitting silently by himself.

*Stupid prat. Not helping with a thing, as usual. Oh well, it's easier that way, things can be done the way I want them. This will be my best year ever, even if I have to suffer his presence.*

How could Hermione ever have imagined the thoughts running through Draco's head as he watched the Head Girl in action.

*Silly bint. Thinks she's all that and more. I'll show her. But how? Ohhh… I can make her fall in love with me, seduce her into my bed, have my fun and then ruin her reputation. Will be the most fun I've had in a long time. I bet she's a virgin too – all the better. I'll have her doing stuff she'd never dream of doing with anyone.*

***

"Oh, hi Draco! Glad you could join us, what do you think of my story so far?"

"I'm gonna seduce Brainiac over here? I don't think so. There's no way I'd ever risk contaminating myself with the likes of her."

"For once we're in agreement, Ferret. Even if I don't appreciate your way of putting it. Like I'd ever fall for your plans anyway."

"My plans? Granger, I'm not the one writing this – talk to little Miss Thinks She's a Writer here."

"You guys don't like the storyline?"

"No."

"No."

"Oh. OH!! How about if I have Snape make you work together in Potions, and you like, have to brew up a truth potion? And your innermost feelings come out and they just "happen" to be that you're secretly in love with each other? Huh? Huh? Cool, right?"

"Not cool."

"No way in a million years."

"But you guys are getting along right now…"

"Only for the greater good."

"You took the words out of my mouth Granger."

"You guys are so hard to write for."

***

The meeting finally over, Hermione made a sigh of relief and made her way back to her friends. Thankfully Malfoy had kept fairly quiet, only muttering some unintelligible words under his breath that she probably was better to have missed. She entered the compartment just in time for the train to pull to a stop at the Hogwarts Station. Throwing quick smiles at Ron and Harry, she grabbed her trunk and headed off to the school. She'd have to get caught up with them after the Sorting Feast.

***

"Okay, I think I know where this story is gonna go guys, and I promise it'll be good! You'll like it for sure!"

"You scared yet, Malfoy?"

"Yes. You?"

"Oh yeah." 

***

Well, another chapter done. Next one will be up shortly! And don't worry, there'll be more Draco convo still – I'm not finished with him yet… *rubs hands evilly* Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoy!


	3. Chapter Three

Dun dun dun…. Chapter 3 is here! What will our brave heroine face? Will she succumb to the terror of the night? Will she be rescued before being hit by the train that is racing towards her tied up body? Oh wait, this isn't a cheesy 40's movie reel, it's Harry Potter FanFiction! Aiieeeee!!!!

Yes, I take my medication regularly.

No, the voices haven't stopped yet.

Thanks for your reviews; they're much appreciated! Mwah Mwah! (Yeah, that's kisses, that is. It's really hard to type a kiss noise, you know.)

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. That is to say, I own copies of the books written by J.K. Rowlings. Does that count? Didn't think so.

****

Haven't I read this somewhere before?

After the newest crop of Hogwarts students had been sorted and seated at their respective house tables, Dumbledore clapped his hands once sharply, and stood up, drawing everyone's attention.

"Welcome, dear students, to another year at Hogwarts. I'm sure this will be an enjoyable experience for all of you. I'm pleased to announce this year's Head Girl and Boy, will they please stand up after I call their name – Draco Malfoy of Slytherin House and Hermione Granger of Gryffindor House!"

Hermione blushed and stood up, smiling proudly and nodding at the students clapping. Draco, across the room, lazily stood up, a haughty proud expression on his face as he acknowledged his position. As the applause died down, they took back their seats.

Dumbledore raised a hand, calling for silence, and proceeded with his announcements.

"This year the school has decided to promote unity by having the Heads share living quarters…"

***

"Whoa… hold on there! Sharing living quarters? Are you out of your attractive little head? Although you're still totally sexy and irresistible."

"Oh Draco… Hee hee, thank you so much for the compliment! I'm totally blushing now…"

"Hey! I didn't say anything like that! Now you're making up stuff outside of your stupid plots! Cut it out!"

"Oh fine, spoil the fantasy. Yes, sharing living quarters – did you have a question about that or something?"

"I have a question about it."

"No one asked you, Granger."

"Bite me Ferret. I'm just wondering… when did Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry become Hogwarts, Dumbledore's Brothel?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on. There is no way – no way at all that Professor Dumbledore would have a boy and girl sharing living quarters. I mean, think about it – the staircase to the girls dormitory changes into a slide when a boy sets one foot on it."

"Oh yeah Hermione… but, but… how am I supposed to get you guys together? Have you dance the horizontal tango? Play hide the sausage?"

"You're not supposed to. Period."

"But Draco… don't you want to get some?"

"Not from her."

"Fine! Be that way! See if I ever try to help your sex life improve again!"

***

"As Head Boy and Girl, you will have your own private rooms, with a connecting door to your respective house Common room. Visitors are restricted to daytime hours only, and none of the opposite sex." Dumbledore continued.

Next to Draco, Pansy Parkinson wriggled in her seat and pouted sexily. Her ravishing looks, although overtly slutty, had all the boys in her house captivated, as well as several from the surrounding houses. She pressed up against Draco, licking his earlobe and whispered in his ear.

"We'll find a way around that, won't we Lover?"

"Of course, Pansy. There's no way I can go without the scent of my favorite flower now, can I?"

"I know, Draco baby. And besides… If you can't find a way to entertain me in the privacy of your own room, I'll just have to go find someone else who can satisfy me…"

***

"God. Stereotype much? Why is it that almost every single HP writer makes Pansy out to be some horny whore? I'll have you know that she was brought up pretty damn strict, and there's no way she'd be playing those kind of games with anyone! She belongs to the "Save It For After The Altar" or SIFATA, as they prefer to be known, you know."

"Yeah, and besides… you really should read the books a bit more carefully. "A hard-faced Slytherin girl" "A pug-faced girl" Those don't really sound ravishingly sexy, do they?"

"Well, she wants Draco though… everyone knows that! So I can still put that in!"

"Geez… she's my friend! She sticks up for me cause she's on my side – just like Potty and Weasel do for Granger here."

"So… what you're saying is no teen slut fest?"

"Just a reader, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"But how will I get people to read my fic then?"

"You might try to find some writing talent – that usually helps."

"You're so catty sometimes Hermione."

***

After the feast, the students filed off to their respective houses to mingle, play wizard's chess, compare class schedules and to dread the morning when classes started. Hermione, feeling a bit outside of everyone there, wandered off to her separate room. Feeling rather tense, she decided to pay a visit to the Prefect's Washroom. Gathering up her toiletries, including her favorite strawberry scented shampoo…

***

"Why is it always strawberry? I hate strawberries. They give me great itching hives."

***

Gathering up her toiletries, including her favorite peach scented shampoo, Hermione made her way quietly out of the dorm and headed to the relaxing atmosphere of the Prefect's Bath. Sighing in pleasure as she sunk into the hot water, she quickly scrubbed herself clean. Piling her hair loosely on top of her head, she reached over to her bag and pulled out her well used copy of Hogwart's, A History. Nibbling on her lip, she soon was lost from the world, immersed as she was in the pages.

Suddenly a dark shadow loomed over her. She gasped in surprise and looked up.'

***

"Ooooh, suspense! I love suspense, don't you? So, who do you think it's gonna be, Mione? Come'n, take a guess. Hee hee you'll never guess in a million years!"

"…"

"Mione, aren't you even going to attempt to guess? Please?"

"Umm… Crookshanks?"

"No! Were you even paying attention to what I was typing?"

"Well, truth be told…"

"I'm hurt, Hermione. I'm crushed, I'll have you know. Now I have to go pout for a while. *Sob* I'll be in my trailer!"

"This isn't a movie set. You don't have a trailer."

"Minor detail!"

***

Oh wow, I'm sorry about how long it took to get this up. I'm only able to type this at work and I've been sooooo busy here it's not even funny. I really need to get my office suite re-installed on my home computer sometime soon. Anyway, hope you enjoy!


	4. Chapter Four

OMG. OMG. I'm baaa-aaack! Shake in your booties, children and adults alike! Mwahahahahaha!... Hrm. I'm bad. Very bad. I really should have been getting out another chapter to this fic. But no... I had to go and get addicted to a silly MMORPG. Evil thing.

Thanks for all the reviews - I can't believe I have so many for only 3 chapters - I'm glad you guys like my sense of humor.

PhoenixTearsp322: I know... I thought about having it show who was talking before the lines of dialogue, but then it just didn't look spontaneous like it was supposed to. So I apologize if it gets confusing as to who's talking - I usually try to have one of the characters say the other's name when there's more than 2 talking, so that you can figure out who it is.

Klic: Yes. Yes I will write more!! lol as proved by this chapter... sorry for the delay.

Oh, and in this chapter, the story and the interaction between me and characters is separated by ----'s as formatting with wordpad wouldn't allow the asterisks that I used before in other chapters. Need to install word...

Disclaimer: I thought about legally changing my name to J.K. Rowlings, but then realized that I still wouldn't own anything of hers.

**Haven't I read this somewhere before?**

Suddenly a dark shadow loomed over her. She gasped in surprise and looked up.

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"So you're just gonna jump right back into the story then, are you?"

"Well... yeah, that was the plan. Why, Hermione? Is there something wrong with that?"

"Something wrong???? Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you almost pulled the most used cliche out there?"

"I did? Which one?"

"The one where you ABANDON A FIC THAT PEOPLE LIKE! Cause your readers do seem to like this. For some reason that I haven't figured out yet anyway."

"I know, I know! I'm so so very sorry! It's just that... well, I... Okay, I don't have an excuse. Forgive me?"

"Whatever... I guess so, provided that you do mean to finish this?"

"I do! I really do!"

"Okay, you're forgiven"

"Woot! Wait... my readers like this? I have readers? So like, I have fans? Hee hee, that's so cool."

"Oh god..."

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"What are you doing in here!" Hermione yelped, frantically sinking further into the water. Thankfully the bubbles covered her wet body adequately. In her astonishment, she almost dropped her book into the depths of the bath, but managed to recover before it dipped more than a corner.

"I needed to talk to you..."

"And it couldn't wait? I'm taking a bath here!" Hermione blew a strand of wayward hair out of her eyes in frustration. She couldn't believe it. Here she was, in the privacy of the Prefects Bathroom, enjoying one of the few comforts she had, and this... this boy barges in and practically sees her naked!

"It couldn't, Hermione. It's really important. Something I've been trying to tell you for the longest time."

"Ron, what could be so important that you couldn't wait for me to get back to the common room?"...

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"HA! Betcha thought it was Draco, didn't you?"

"The Prefect bathroom automatically seals itself magically when someone enters."

"... Betcha thought it was Draco, didn't you?"

"I can't believe you had a guy walk in on me in the bath."

"But... Betcha thought it was... oh forget it."

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"Okay, fine, Ron. You have something to tell me. At least let me get out of the bath. Go over there and turn around. If you so much as peek while I'm getting out, I'll hex you so hard you'll be breathing through your toes for 3 weeks" Hermione growled at her friend. When Ron meekly obliged, she scrambled out of the tub, hastily grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body. Thankfully the school provided bathsheets rather than towels. Glancing down at herself to make sure she was adequately covered, she turned around, only to squeal in alarm at the sight of Ron right in front of her.

"Hermione..." Ron placed his hands on her shoulders, stepping even closer. "I missed you this summer."

"Well, I missed you too, Ron" Hermione smiled weakly, backing off slightly to put a larger distance between them. "It was odd not seeing Harry or yourself over the hols, but things were so busy and all."

"But, did you miss me more than you missed Harry? I missed you so much it hurt. You're a part of me, Hermione. I don't think I realized how much I cared for you until you weren't there." Ron slid his hands over her shoulders and down her arms, holding her firmly.

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"What are you doing?"

"Nuh uh, Hermione. It is considered vastly, massively impolite to interrupt a writer when she's on a roll."

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"Well, I care for you too, Ron. You're one of my best friends. But how about I meet you in the common room and we can talk after I'm dressed, okay?" Hermione shrugged her shoulders, moving out of Ron's hold. She backed up, stiffening as she felt the cold stone wall on her back.

Ron quickly moved in, his eyes glancing down to the towel Hermione was now holding firmly about her. He lifted his hand, tracing a finger along the tip of it, just over her chest, hooking his index finger in the top, and lightly tugging. His breathing quickened. "Only as a friend, Hermione? I think we both know it's more than that. I'll show you it's more than that." He pressed against her, driving her back against the wall, his other hand wrapping in her hair.

Hermione swallowed hard, her eyes darting to the door, to the table where her wand lay, completely out of reach. Her hands clenched into fists around the terrycloth, holding it up as well as she could...

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"Ron! Heya! What's up?"

"I was gonna k... ki... kiss her?"

"No, Ron, you weren't just going to kiss me, according to our brainless author here."

"Huh?"

"Never mind Ron. Look, Just a Reader. Do you really think that Ron would be capable of what you were planning here? He turned beet red just trying to say the word Kiss. You are one sick, twisted puppy, let me tell you."

"Well, he wasn't gonna go through with it... I don't know why you stopped me. I was gonna have Draco blast down the door, swooping in with his brillant blonde hair shimmering in the steam from the bath, like a White Knight to the rescue! I'm practically swooning at the thought!"

"So what you're saying is you think it's vastly romantic to be on the verge of being raped?"

"Well, no. When you put it that way, it sounds all dirty and scary."

"It is. So don't even think about it."

"I'm sorry. Maybe we should just forget this chapter and have it be Crookshanks that surprised you in the bath after all."

"Yeah. Might be for the best."

"Wow. Now I feel icky."

"Wait... what was I gonna do? I don't get it."

"Never mind, Ron."

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Not the funniest chapter, but this is one of the cliches that bugs me the most in Harry Potter FanFiction, so I wanted it in here. I'm by no means trying to make rape seem funny or romantic. Next chapter will see some more interaction with Draco and Hermione, and maybe some Harry. And I promise it'll be out sooner than this one! Read and review!


	5. Chapter Five

Umm… Hi. Not much I can say here, since there's really no good reason I haven't updated this in so very long. I feel bad! Don't hate me! Pretty please? I'll promise you precious time with Draco or Hermione, whichever one floats your boat if you don't hate me!

So I had totally lost this fic, which is one of the reasons (yes I know I just said I didn't have a good reason, shush.) I hadn't updated. Every time I tried to search on the site for my penname or story name, nothing was found! And then today, suddenly, there it was! And I totally didn't have a backup on my computer as I have a completely different one since I began this story.

Anyway, here's a new chapter – I made changes to how the characters and myself speak as after re-reading the fic, I did find it somewhat confusing. I plan to go back and edit the previous chapters to follow the same method in the next few days.

The xxxxxxx are cuts between the storyline and the interaction between myself and the characters. I wanted to use cute little asterisks, but they don't transfer over when I upload! Grr.

Disclaimer: Not mine. (pouts) It's really unfair. I work hard and am nice and kind to everyone, including small animals, but do I get to own them? No. It bites.

**Haven't I read this somewhere before?**

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Hermione: …Welcome back.

Author: OMG! Hi2U! Where have you been? I've been worried sick about this fic, you abandoning both it and myself! I'm so disappointed in you Hermione; really, I thought you were more responsible than this!

Hermione: WHAT??? I didn't abandon anything! You're the one that took off and vanished, you selfish little prig. You get all kinds of nice reviews, people asking kindly for a new chapter, not to mention you bloody well promised more chapters were incoming soon, and you go off to who knows where for what, like 3 years? Nice. Very, very nice.

Author: I know, I know, I've been a bad, bad girl. I must be punished… Oh Master Draco, where are you? Your little slave has been naughty!

Hermione: Good Lord you're disturbed.

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Hermione went back to her room after her bath. Poor Crookshanks followed behind her, mewing piteously, still damp after his accidental slip into the water.

"Hush you" said Hermione. "It's your own fault, you startled me, I can't be blamed that I swatted out at you in self defense!"

Entering her room after whispering the password to the portrait guarding it, she put her toiletries back in their proper places. Her eyes turned to the window, hearing a light tapping coming from outside. Going over, she saw an owl fluttering its wings, looking for entrance. Quickly, Hermione opened the glass panels and the owl flew inside, dropping a letter in her hands. Hermione rubbed the silky feathers on the birds glossy head and offered it a bite of marzipan candy she had brought from home. After pecking at it, the owl flew back out the window; presumably back to whichever owl post office it had come from.

Hermione turned over the letter, her eyes widening when she saw who it was from. Her twisted step-uncle, who had molested her all summer, leading her into a world of pain, from which she could only escape by cutting herself. Without even opening the letter, she stumbled over to her trunk, pulling out a wooden intricately carved box from within. Opening it, she gazed almost lovingly at the razor sharp dagger nestled in the black velvet lined interior, her finger unconsciously going to caress the blade. Quickly she pulled up her sleeve, and with tears running copiously down her fair cheeks, she drew the blade across her already finely scarred arm.

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Hermione: Twisted step-uncle? Has this suddenly turned into some trashy Gothic romance book? And cutting myself? Really Just A Reader, what do you take me for? I certainly have more intelligence than to do something like that. Do I look like some attention starved Emo child to you?

(Author's note: To any Emo children reading this – please take no offense, I certainly have nothing against being Emo, but to those Emo's that do cut themselves, really, it's honestly stupid and dumb and moronic and idiotic – and any other term meaning the same thing. Not to mention so very not cool and potentially extremely dangerous. I'm not sure how cutting ever became stylish and romantic.)

Author: But it's just filler to explain your newfound moodiness and the darkness that somehow permeates your being and what attracts Draco to you!

Hermione: There's no darkness, there's no attraction, there's no self inflicted scars. There will however, be Hermione inflicted scars on you if you don't give up this idea right now.

Author: Ha! Moodiness, see?? And violent tendencies! Oh yes, major plot bunny hopping along the path right now! Aww, it's so cute and cuddly! Hi little rabbit!

Hermione: That's Crookshanks. I think you need your eyes checked.

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Hermione turned over the letter, and seeing it was just a bill for her subscription to the Daily Prophet, she carefully filed it with her other important papers, and made a note in her journal to pay it at her first opportunity.

Glancing at the clock on the fireplace mantel, Hermione saw that it was after curfew. Her eyes lighting up, she dashed over to her closet and pulled out her black leather biking outfit. Over the summer, she had discovered the joys of motorbike racing through the darkest London alleys, and had accumulated quite a stash of winnings. She was acknowledged as the best free-lance racer around, and everyone wanted to best her. No one of course knew her true identity, she was known only as "Night Phoenix" in reference to the flaming bird on her helmet, the only spot of color in the sea of black leather that covered her like a second skin from head to toe.

Opening her window, she stepped out carefully, and nodded with satisfaction, seeing that the ivy covered trellis would be easy enough to climb down. Once on the school grounds, she darted from shadow to shadow, heading towards the broom shed where she had secretly stowed her beloved bike, concealing it with an illusion charm so that it just looked like an old pile of broomstick ends.

Smiling with excitement, Hermione thought about the race scheduled for tonight. It was almost legitimate, there was even going to be coverage from a few of the biking magazines there. And the pot was huge; it would be her largest win yet! And win she would, she had no worries there. Her self confidence once she was on her wheels seemed to grow to unmeasurable amounts, until the bike and she were practically as one. In fact, some of the race organizers around London swore up and down that it was as if some primeval force took over her, making her one with the metal and leather.

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Hermione: Do you really think I spent my summer doing that?

Author: It could happen!

Hermione: No, it couldn't. I spent the summer with my books, preparing for this year, my most important year. You do realize that after this year, I have to make some extremely important decisions as to the rest of my life? I did not have time for any kind of extracurricular activity!

Author: But that's boring! I can't write about that!

Hermione: Does it look like I care?

Author: Waaaahh! Why are you so mean to me Hermione!? I'm not gonna be your friend anymore if you keep up with this kind of attitude, I mean it!

Hermione: Oh noes! Whatever shall I do if that happens!

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Hermione went to bed. She woke up early, and went down to the Great Hall for the first session of breakfast. She ate a sensible morning feast comprising of toast with jelly, 2 eggs (scrambled) and one slice of bacon. She also had a cup of coffee and a glass of juice.

She attended all her classes with a promptness and attention that was almost alarming in its exactness. She made no unnecessary sound while the teacher was talking unless it was to ask a question, and even then, she carefully raised her hand and waited until acknowledged before speaking.

Hermione carefully followed all school rules to the finest details, even going so far as to put herself in situations where the rules would arise, so that she could do the right thing and obey them.

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Author: See? It's horribly horrifically boring! No one would read that! Can you really blame me for wanting to put a bit of excitement into your drab dreary existence?

Draco: She's right, Granger – you are probably the most boring, useless person in Hogwarts.

Hermione: Shut up Malfoy. Go suck on a Blast ended Screwt.

Author: Draco!! Hi there cutie pie! And now, now, no talking to the secret love of your life like that! We all know it's carefully plotted to mask your true feelings which would be so very wrong to everything that you've been told as you were brought up… OMG I KNOW THE NEXT PLOT LINE! NO MORE TALKING, MUST WRITE!

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Draco tossed and turned in his bed, unable to get the thoughts of Hermione Granger out of his head. He knew it was wrong to be feeling like this, he knew he risked his very life, and hers with these emotions he was having, but he couldn't help it. If only there was some way he could see her and not have the threat of his fathers or Voldemorts reaction to a relationship between the two of them.

Suddenly he sat up, an idea popping into his head. He could write to his father, saying that he planned to infiltrate Potter's trio by ingratiating himself to the Mudblood. Draco cringed inwardly at even having thought the word. How could he have ever used the term, it was so awful, so very wrong! Anyone could see that Muggles were equal to Wizards, the whole idea of pureblood was laughable if only people would step away from the prejudices they were raised with. Getting back to the plan, he jotted down notes. He would go immediately to Dumbledore, that was a definite, as he had been planning to do so regardless of his feelings for Hermione. He would be needing the powerful Wizards help.

So, after having convinced his father he was only seeing Hermione to get access to Potter, he'd be free to follow his heart. He knew that she felt something towards him, or he hoped she did at least. Draco fell back on his bed and sighed happily. Things were looking up – he was on the right side finally, and happier than he had ever felt in his life. If this is what love did for a person, they should bottle it and sell it!

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Draco: What the hell was that? I'm a freaking pureblood, there's no way I'm going to have any sentimental crap thoughts like that. I can hardly even stand to be in the same room as the Mudblood here, I'm only doing it to save myself from your maniacal writings.

Hermione: Like I'd ever return any of those feelings anyway.

Draco: Did I not just say I don't and will never have those feelings towards you? God Granger, and I thought you were supposed to be the intelligent one in your little ménage a trois.

Author: Do I sense some sexual tension?

Hermione/Draco: NO!

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So many clichés, so little time! My humblest apologies for stopping writing for so long, I've missed it and always meant to come back to it, but I'm a terrible procrastinator. Hopefully I'll have another chapter up in less than 3 years this time. Read and review?


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